You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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