in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
