I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
