i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
