I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
