I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
