I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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