i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
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Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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