I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
