Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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