My underwear smells like fireworks.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
