WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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