I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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