You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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