You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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