Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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