Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
