Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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