I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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