new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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