Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
