it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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