I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
