i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
