I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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