I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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