i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there's paper in my vomit.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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