Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
