Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
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I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
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Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.