What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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