I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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