you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you inspire me to be a worse person
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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