The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
