when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
