peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
