yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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