I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
