i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
