I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
