Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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