this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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