Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
