dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
