What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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