i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
