The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
