I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
