I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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