I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
