You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
