Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My ass is underappreciated
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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