just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
