I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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