the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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