I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
