I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
