im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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