i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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